to emma; a year (forever) ago

a year ago

now

a happy congrats to those of you who get the title reference. let's be friends and make playlists for one another.

happy congrats to those of you who may not. I have a versatile taste in music. we can still make playlists for one another ;)

today is my fourth day in isolation after testing positive for covid, rip :// and I can't stop but think about how vastly I have grown over the past year.

this week, I've been able to go days alone with absolutely no human contact, cooped up in my room (not that I necessarily chose it) without becoming sad, lonely, or bored.

this week a year ago, I was home for the weekend because I felt so disconnected and alone at school, I couldn't bare spending a weekend in my dorm room alone because my mind was so occupied figuring out where all my friends were, and convincing myself of the specific agenda they had created to avoid seeing me because none of them liked me and therefore didn't want to see me. it was a quite depressing and very unhealthy place to be. I'm so thankful that time has brought change.

isolation has also lead me to the pit of "I don't know what to do other than homework, watch Netflix, and read", and with that I have been spending a lot of time looking through my photos. you know, kinda like the same way you look at the weather app and stocks on your phone, even though you don't even understand stocks, when you're in an elevator with other humans because as a society we have become so uncomfortable with silence. I am being tangental. this is why I named this blog my stream of consciousness, because it is, and I don't edit it (much). I digress. 

while I was looking through my photos, specifically ones from the fall of last year, I was in search of one I could post on instagram to accompany/promote this blog post. it pained me, because I was taken back to the days the photos were taken, and know that I cried on almost all of those days. that my smile was trying really hard to mask the whirlwind of emotions and the spirals of thoughts in my head. I want to hug her so bad.

so to emma, a year ago.

you are such a strong human being, and that strength does not fluctuate with your emotions, with your dependence on others, with your expression of needing help. you are carrying a lot, and it'd be hard for anyone in your position. you deserve love, and you deserve people who care about you, and you deserve to find joy. 

while you may not believe it, there are people who care deeply about you. it's okay if you step back from some relationships (newsflash: in a year, you're only going to be close to a handful of the people you tried so hard to make your people). quality over quantity. I know it's hard for you to believe, but you are not a burden to others. they want to be let in. imagine if your best friend, or your sister, or your mom was going through what you're currently going through, and if they didn't let you in on it because they thought they would be a burden. how that would break your heart.

I am so proud of you for reaching out. its a testament to your courage and desire to get better. the receptionist at the counseling center is so nice, you will feel good after talking to her. don't beat yourself up though after your first counseling session. and maybe bring some tissues. you'll be glad you went.

if you don't feel up to something, don't go. but if you're worried about explaining yourself, you can go. sometimes it will make you feel a little better, but don't put too high of expectations on others. they are just as broken as you, and they can't fill the whole in you if they don't know it's there.

you're going to meet a girl that you mesh with so well. she's your saving grace. thank her. she loves you. none of the guys you think about are going to magically, unpromptedly fall in love with you. don't worry about it. you're also going to lose a really close friend. it's going to hurt a lot, and you're allowed to feel that hurt. with time, you will be able to appreciate the friendship for what it was. sometimes you'll still feel sad about it, but other friends come around.

you're going to change your major, and then change it back, and then change it again. you're going to want to drop out of school and move home. you'll be glad you didn't.

in the spring you will meet another girl and you will become such good friends. you'll spend the summer writing with friends, and finally find your footing. you'll be happy -- really happy. the depression will come back, but this time you won't be alone. also -- your music taste and style gf, ELEVATED. thank depression for that one.

and just you wait until you meet your housemates next year. I know that you experienced a lot of hurt with that this year, but God's got your back ;) they're a big reason why you're so content writing this (future you).

I know that maybe all of that sounds nice, but you still can't see how you're going to get through this. yeah, as much as you wish they were, the tears aren't done. but the people around you deeply appreciate your vulnerability. that's such a gift of yours. don't wish it away.

there's a lot more goodness on it's way, but you';ll just have to trust me on that one, and stick around to see it.

you are loved by so many, including yourself.

be kind, be gracious.

from emma, a year from now.

mental health is really important to me.

if any of you relate to emma, a year ago, I would love to sit with you in whatever you're walking through.

if you relate to emma, a year from now, I would love to sit with you and hear your story. 

let's chat.